Finland is a big country with a minuscule population so, naturally, all of us who reside here have friends in high places. This time, we’ve been handed a secret leak of destinations considered harmful for US President Donald Trump to visit during the 2018 summit, in the capital Helsinki, involving negotiations between himself and Russian authoritarian leader Vladimir Putin.
This is sensitive stuff, so read further at your own peril. Who knows, just accessing this page might place you on a no-fly list, so you can wave goodbye to that vacation trip to Disneyland or some other plastic US destination. Luckily, you’d still be welcome in Helsinki, so when you’re done, have a look at our the guide for the best things you can do in Kallio, the coolest part of the capital.
So, where shouldn’t Trump go?
1. Public sauna
Ok, here’s the obvious take: One simple rule of Finnish sauna is that it’s largely non-sexualized. However, we all know about Trump’s alledged assaults on women. Since most formal sauna events are non-coed, this may not be a deal-breaker. That said, no-one can wants weird dominating handshakes, general bullshit and drama during sauna.
Trump seems like the kind of guy who would bring his own servant to pour beer (or urine) on the stove, habits so disgusting that even teenagers frown upon its practitioners.
2. Chapel of silence
He’d be kicked out for talking too much or for being too daft to turn off notification sounds for Twitter on his phone. Seriously, would you want this guy in a centrally located urban oasis dedicated to silence. Didn’t think so. Just have security escort him out.
3. The Uspenski Cathedral
Both the Russian Orthodox church and Trump share a weakness for bling, and the largest Orthodox church in western Europe, the Uspenski Cathedral, is located in Helsinki. Also, here’s the thing about Orthodox churches: you’re expected to stand during service. I couldn’t handle that and I suspect Trump wouldn’t either.
We feel there’s a real risk that Trump would become jealous of this landmark, annoyed at the lack of seating and attempt a corrupt process of buying the land, bulldozing it and building horrible condos or a hotel on the site. Let’s just keep him away.
4. The Linnanmäki amusement park
Helsinki’s amusement park may be relatively modest, but we feel it may cause conflicting feelings for Trump in a way that may lead to his apparently senile brain to melt down completely.
First, Linnanmäki profits go to Child Welfare, and Trump would absolutely loathe that. On the other hand, Linnanmäki has a relatively poor track record of working conditions, and that he would totally love.
However, Linnanmäki is surrounded by some of Helsinki’s most well designed parks, and we think Trump’s conflicting feelings could cause him to take it as his life goal to turn it into an all-exclusive golf course.
5. National Museum
Normally, we’d advise anyone to learn about history, but given Trump’s track record, we think there’s a real risk he could cause an international incident by basically not listening to the guided tour and then making bizarre statements, confusing Russian and Swedish rule. So, no trip to the National Museum.
It’s probably best if Trump’s history lessons be prepared as bullet points on sheets of paper, or an infomercial that look like the insane shitshow that is US-style cable tv news.
That’s it for leaking state secrets for today. If you read this far, you might want to check out our special coverage of the night of the 2016 US Presidential Election.