Never Netherlands: 7 reasons Finns should never visit a Dutch sauna
In the five years I lived in Amsterdam, I learned to love many things about Dutch culture. Their passion for King’s Day and their love of cycling are admirable. However, there is one thing the Dutch will never master and no Finn will ever enjoy. That is the Dutch sauna. Here are seven reasons to avoid them.
Before you judge the Dutch too harshly, here is what Finns consider a perfectly reasonable place to put a sauna.
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1. No chitchat allowed
The first sauna I visited in the Netherlands was in a gym. It was a mixed sauna where people wore towels. I learned quickly that the Dutch consider the sauna a quiet room. Signs appeared on the door after I visited with my husband. We had been talking about our days as one does over dinner. This was considered noisy. It is rare for a Finn to be accused of being too loud. I kept quiet as a sauna mouse from then on.
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2. Sometimes people wear too much
No Finn likes going to the sauna wearing a towel. It gets sweaty and feels wrong. When there is no other choice you simply get on with it. This resolve disappeared when I had to share a bench with men wearing sweaty boxer shorts after a workout. There is only so much a Finn can take.
3. Sometimes people wear too little
I looked for better saunas in different spas. Many Dutch spas are no-swimsuit and mixed-sex environments. In Finland, public saunas and pools have separate dressing rooms and saunas for men and women. In pool areas, you always wear swimming suits. I discovered that many Dutch people avoid spas because they fear running into their boss or colleagues while naked.
4. Men and women get naked together
There is a clear difference in Dutch and Finnish sauna culture. For Finns, it is acceptable to go to the sauna with family, friends and colleagues. However, a mixed spa with strangers feels strange. For the Dutch, a mixed spa with strangers is preferable to going to the sauna with friends or colleagues.
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5. Exhibitionists let it all hang out
I found some acceptable saunas in the Netherlands but the pleasure was often tainted. People lay naked outside on the spa lawn in autumn when the temperature is low. The most bizarre sights were the exhibitionists who placed chairs directly in front of entrances to ensure everyone saw their carefully arranged manhood.
6. They have the wrong equipment
Dutch saunas have hourglasses on the wall. People follow these to track exactly how much time they have spent sweating. They do not leave until the time is up even if they are close to fainting. You will rarely find a water bucket or a visible stove. You can hear the electric ticking of the stove but there is no access to it. A sauna where you cannot control the heat is a cruel prank. This type of sauna should be banned.
7. They can’t handle the heat
I once had an argument in a spa sauna on Christmas Eve. Apparently I threw too much water on the stones. I threw less than half of the amount I wanted as a gesture of goodwill to the meditating, hourglass-watching amateurs. They still complained.
For more on what makes Finland tick, see 7 Finnish sayings about sauna or discover how Finland has appeared in Hollywood movies and TV.
Enjoyed this? For more wit and warmth about one of the world’s most fascinating cultures, check out Joel Willans’ 101 Very Finnish Problems — the bestselling collection of comic observations about Finnish life.
Sounds a bit like German public saunas, although they probably have more rules :)
The Dutch don’t get the difference between sensual nudity and just plain letting it all hang out. For them “getting it out” is all about making a statement, rather than just enjoying the feeling.
I’m Dutch, regularly go to Dutch sauna’s, and I disagree. We do understand sensual nudity, and we also know when we’re just plainly letting it all hang out.
Is it hard to understand that perhaps we just like it better this way? I mean, just because you don’t get it, doesn’t mean that what someone else does is making a statement. They might just do differently. And they can enjoy it all the same.
It’s just different.
You should try going to the UK. Some saunas there have pink neon lights :)
I left out a lot of stuff from the post including the infrared sauna (often a cold tiny cabin) and the colour sauna (a.k.a. disco sauna where the lights change colour constantly). I’m very happy all these options are available for people who enjoy them. ;)
Not all Dutch saunas are the same. Finnish people should try the one Groningen http://www.scandinavischdorp.nl/sauna.html
Another good reason to visit beautiful Groningen when I’m in the Netherlands next time!
Dutch saunas don’t sound half bad compared to American saunas. I’ll just leave it at that. :)
In the same way you don’t go to Finland if you want good weed or good porn :)
Nice article. I’m Brazilian and I lived in Finland for a year. I really miss the Finnish sauna and specially the heat.
Saunas here are similar to the one’s you’ve described in Netherlands.
The important thing is to appreciate all the good things a country has to offer, but regarding saunas, I’m 100% with you.
Ive been to a “löyly” show in Holland where every hr an employee of the spa comes to the sauna. Dips a big towel and waves it like a mad man to generate maximum heat. I laughed and left and upon exit said, erm interesting but please leave words like ‘authentic finnish löyly show” from your advertisement, call it a bizzarre sadistic ritual from holland….
Far better than the sauna at my local gym (in the US). There guys basically go fully dressed in their gym gear and shoes, hang out for a little while and check their cell phones and then leave. There’s a stone oven but no water or bucket.
Germans fart freely in saunas, they say they are cleaning their guts, very strange habit
That’s complete bullshit! Maybe you met someone extremly rude, but “the Germans” never do that. What did Germans do to make you want to insult all of them??
I’ve been thinking about trying to visit Finland and a few other European countries sometime in the next few years. Is same gender nudity acceptable in a sauna in Finland?
I’m an American, and I hate how uptight most women are here in the US when it comes to non-sexual female-only nudity in places like saunas and locker rooms.
It’s so hypocritical and completely backward….. In America you have so many women who will watch hard-core pornography, they will watch graphic sex scenes in mainstream movies, and sometimes even go see male strippers. But changing clothes and showering must be hidden from any and all other females. Heaven forbid that a breast or butt are briefly uncovered in the presence of another female.
I’m a straight female, I don’t get any sexual satisfaction out of seeing nude women. But I think that it’s abnormal for females to worry about covering up in a locker room or sauna when we are in the presence of other females only.
I think that it’s so backward that some women will watch pornography which has total nudity of both males and females and graphic sex, yet some of these same women will go into a filthy and smelly toilet stall to change into their swimsuit in a women’s locker room rather than be briefly nude in front of their locker where another female might see a quick glimpse of them.
I don’t think that that kind of attitude is healthy at all for young women to grow up with!
I would like to take my daughters (ages 7, 11, 14) to a sauna where female only nudity is viewed as totally normal (which it is) and there is nothing at all sexual about it. I want my daughters to know that there is nothing wrong or strange about females changing clothes or showering in each others presence. And I do teach them to have no desire to watch pornography when they are older.
So If we are lucky enough to get to Finland in the next few years I would definitely take them to a female only sauna where no-one feels a need to cover up.
my experience in Den Haag Netherlands spa was that it was like any other health club in card entry, snack bar, weight rooms, cardio rooms, swimming pools, locker rooms.
The big difference was that although the lower level swimming pool open to an atrium in the center of the health club required a swimsuit, the adjacent sauna area had adjacent showers and most people just had a towel and freely showered au naturel.
Biggest eyeopener was the large, immense hot tub spa area was where sign indicated no clothing (but I was told that the women could wear their suit) and so it was new experience being among several males all of us naked in front of so many more numerous women, while all of them had on swimsuit.
I just put on my towel as I left after enjoying the nude hot tub spa and did not give too much thought.
Later the following week, a few women told at my Hague Academy classes let me know they saw me at the spa, during breaks in class.
So perhaps the ladies were spying just a little bit.