Just when you thought British politics couldn’t possibly get any more farcical, the newly unelected Prime Minister, Theresa May announces the appointment of Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary. While it was widely expected he’d get a role in cabinet, the smart money was on a ministerial position of little significance or power, such as Minster for Culture. However, May stunned the world by giving the role of the UK ambassador to the world to a man who spent the last month shredding the UK’s 43-year relationship with the EU. But that’s not the only reason Bojo was such a surprise choice. In his career as professional buffoon, journalist and London Mayor, he’s thus far he’s managed to insult practically a third of the world’s countries, including all of the great powers. Here’s are his insult in all their, oh so hilarious, glory.
“Despite looking a bit like Dobby the House Elf, he is a ruthless and manipulative tyrant.”
Johnson said that EU was an attempt to recreate Hitler’s and Napoleon’s aims of unifying Europe “by different methods.”
Johnson implied his superiority over the Mayor of Bordeaux, a city of 239,517 people at the time:
“I got the ball back very firmly over the net, folks, because I said there were 250,000 French men and women in London and therefore I was the mayor of the sixth biggest French city on earth.”
Johnson won a prize for a poem involving a man from Ankara and sex with goats:
“There was a young fellow from Ankara, Who was a terrific wankerer. “Till he sowed his wild oats, With the help of a goat, But he didn’t even stop to thankera.”
Johnson shared his opinion of Assad’s success with reclaiming Palmyra:
“Hooray, I say. Bravo – and keep going. Yes, I know. Assad is a monster, a dictator. He barrel-bombs his own people. His jails are full of tortured opponents. He and his father ruled for generations by the application of terror and violence – and yet there are at least two reasons why any sane person should feel a sense of satisfaction at what Assad’s troops have accomplished.”
Johnson shared his assumption of China as a growing world power with zero cultural muscle:
“We do not need to fear the Chinese […] China will not dominate the globe. We do not need to teach babies Mandarin. […] Compared with the old British Empire, and the new American imperium, Chinese cultural influence is virtually nil, and unlikely to increase.”
Johnson practically crushed a child in touch rugby. Bonus point for the gentlemanly handshake afterwards.
Johnson has written critically about current president Barack Obama, suggesting he had a grudge against Britain because of his “part-Kenyan” heritage, as well as both of the presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. So much for The Special Relationship.
9. The Commonwealth
Johnson pulled of quite the combo party trick by insulting Antigua and Barbuda, Australia, The Bahamas, Bangladesh, Barbados, Belize, Botswana, Brunei, Darussalam, Cameroon, Canada, Cyprus, Dominica, Fiji, Ghana, Grenada, Guyana, India, Jamaica, Kenya, Kiribati, Lesotho, Malawi, Malaysia, Maldives, Malta, Mauritius, Mozambique, Namibia, Nauru, New Zealand, Nigeria, Pakistan, Papua, New Guinea, Rwanda, Saint Lucia, Samoa, Seychelles, Sierra Leone, Singapore, Solomon Islands, South Africa, Sri Lanka, St Kitts and Nevis, St Vincent and The Grenadines, Swaziland, Tonga, Trinidad and Tobago, Tuvalu, Uganda, United Republic of Tanzania, Vanuatu and Zambia… all at once:
“It is said that the Queen has come to love the Commonwealth, partly because it supplies her with regular cheering crowds of flag-waving piccaninnies.”