Nobody sees Voldemort as the hero of the movie. But in real life villains get votes. When you see an arrogant, incompetent liar boosting his ego on the TV, you may laugh. But the laughter dies as you hear the cheers and the applause from the audience. You realise, there are people on this planet who, not just buy it, but also worship this man. Around seventy million of them?! Are you also baffled and frustrated? Are you trying to make sense of it all? Who are these seventy million people? Let’s speculate.

1. The gullible one

Remember, in America they have countless of “news” outlets on TV, radio, and internet, that spew lies 24/7. It’s possible to get sidetracked by the flood of false information. We can call this person a victim of propaganda, victim of peer pressure, or someone who just lost sight of reality for a moment. This can happen to anybody… once. Sadly, this person may turn into a one of the gullible ones.

2. The stubborn one

When your grandfather sends money to a Nigerian prince, there’s a chance he will never admit to having been had. It was a good deal, he expects it to pay off any day now. This person sees what’s happening very well, but from now on, he squints his eyes from the truth. (Much like Donald does every time he lies, have you noticed?) The stubborn one has the ”Make America great again”-bumper sticker, he can’t just tear it off. This person figuratively (but often literally) sticks to his guns. This person’s political rhetoric goes: ”He’s a great man, shut up!”

3. The delusional one

Aka, the religious nut-job. This person does not bow to logic or reason. This person is pro-life, and pro-death penalty in the same sentence. This person praises Jesus, but actively goes against his teachings every day. This person has never read the Holy Bible, but swears by it. Donald himself is more of a pussy-grabber than a Bible-basher, but he wants the religious votes as well. When Donald holds up the Good Book, it means he was sent here by God. Amen.

4. The bigot

This person’s view of the world can be racist, or just otherwise really one-sided. This person understands concepts ‘yes’, ‘no’, ‘black’, and ‘white’, but not much in between. To be fair, Donald is probably not a racist at all. It’s safe to say, all people are equally worthless in his eyes. (With the possible exception of his daughter, whom he would love to date.) But Donald is not above fanning the flames of racism, if it gets him votes. Whenever Don is on TV, there’s a guy watching in his survival bunker, peeling an apple with an excessively large hunting knife, thinking: ”The good times are coming back.”

5. The troll

Possibly the most detestable person of the lot. Rather than having an agenda of any kind, this person voted Trump ”For f*ck’s sake. At least he’s not boring.” This is true, we can all agree Donald is not boring. It’s very entertaining to hear the leader of the free world encourage people to inject bleach, and drink hand-sanitiser. It’s a real nail-biter to wait whether he will send a nuclear missile to stop a hurricane. This sort of entertainment comes at a price, though. A high ranking politician can make big waves. Like pull out of the Paris Agreement, and stop the funding of WHO. (For those just tuning in, there is a global pandemic killing people, and Trump wants to stop funding the organisation that tries to stop it. Read that again, if you must.)

6. The low self esteem-one

This person idolises a bully. In this person’s mind, Trump’s relentless arrogance translates into: ”He gets s*it done!” To this person, Trump is a ”go-getter”, rather than a con-artist. That nagging feeling of inadequacy will never go away, but it’s inspiring to see someone stand up proud, when he doesn’t have a clue what he’s doing. Donald is THE MAN he secretly wants to be, a true leader.

7. The stinking rich

Old money, white-collar criminals, everybody at Wall Street, etc. Not all rich people are evil, but it must be tempting to vote tax cuts for yourself. They represent only 1% of the voters, but still.

The problem here is not Donald Trump, he merely gives the problem a new face. The problem is the people. None of these people on the list root for Joffrey Baratheon or Hannibal Lecter. None of these people think they’re on the dark side of The Force, but this is how evil works in real life.

Should Donald get caught setting fire to an orphanage tomorrow, it would do very little to shake the faith of these people. They would find a way to justify this, ranging from ”The orphans had it coming”, to ”He did it for God and country.” But hey, at least it wouldn’t be boring.

Photo credit: Gage Skidmore