How to write a rock biography in 9 easy steps

Rock ‘n’ roll books are entertaining. They contain drugs, sex and rock ‘n’ roll in that specific order. If you have read one, you have read them all. Names and dates change but the book remains the same. This is not a complaint. A good story deserves repetition.

This is a step-by-step guide to the typical rock biography. Follow this formula when you become a famous rock star and need to write your memoir.

I was born in…

This is the boring part that pays off later. Clever ghostwriters keep the childhood short but it must be included. The childhood was terrible. The protagonist wore the same shoes for seven years and ate cockroaches to survive. This rags-to-riches narrative justifies the later chapters involving champagne and supermodels in hot tubs.

Teenage years

The protagonist picks up a guitar and girls notice him. This explains a fragile ego. Rock stardom is presented as overcompensation for being a shy kid bullied at school. Drugs and alcohol appear but are not yet a problem. There are failed band attempts and a gig at the school. The photo section will include an adorable picture from this era to show they were once ordinary.

The struggle

Playing music is hard work. It is equated to cutting down trees in winter with a plastic fork. The band practised constantly. Blood, sweat and tears are mentioned. Gigs were scarce and club owners were greedy. There are broken vans and lack of sleep. These hardships form a life-lasting bond and camaraderie. This bond usually lasts until the lawsuits begin.

Early success

This chapter cements the protagonist’s heterosexuality. It features hotel parties, groupies, booze and drugs. The first major divorce occurs because the road offers too many temptations. The first major paycheck changes everything. Sexual conquests are mentioned shamefully rather than as a brag. There are stories of televisions in pools and fire extinguishers. Bandmates are called brothers while being slandered.

Years of excess

The band is at its peak and can do no wrong. They believe it will last forever. This makes the fall more dramatic. Sex and drugs appear on every page. This is the content the reader wants. It involves selfishness, hedonism and supermodels. Celebrities are mentioned casually. Alcohol intake is described with a sigh of regret. A gallon of Jack Daniel’s for breakfast is a standard claim. There is more slander for the brothers.

Downfall

Success ends. The culprit is often a mythical entity known as grunge. The protagonist is broke. He sells a mansion and stops buying Picassos. This is blamed on Kurt Cobain. The ghostwriter encourages a shameful revelation. The hero hits rock bottom. He wakes up in a gutter or sucks spilt beer from a rug. This honest confession makes him seem human.

Down in a hole

This is a time for self-reflection. The protagonist realises he was selfish and destructive. The world abandons him. No one visits him in rehab. Rehab is mandatory. Finding God is common. This is the lowest point from which he begins to climb.

Phoenix rising

The improved hero takes on the world again. He rebuilds his career from scratch. Perseverance leads to new songs and a return to the top. Sobriety brings gratitude. He thanks the loyal fans and credits his wife and children for his survival.