Were you a Leave voter? Are you sore about Brexit being put off for months, maybe years, possibly forever? Do not fear. Inspired by a similarly helpful list created for Remainers, we’ve put together 11 top self-comforting strategies to help Quitters deal with their ongoing torment.
1. Call every person who voted Remain a “whiner” and a “loser”, ignoring the fact that democracy isn’t like a game of footy that ends when someone blows a whistle.
2. Claim that the (huge) turnout of 37% of the electorate and 26% of the population is high enough to do what you damn well please right this minute. Brexit means Brexit NOW! Post pictures of crying babies to highlight that it’s not you constantly whining, but all those bad Remainer losers.
3. Make an e-petition demanding that democracy be suspended from June 23rd onwards and we trigger Brexit NOW! We don’t need any more referendums. The result was “right” and so what if Nigel Farage said beforehand, “In a 52% – 48% referendum this would be unfinished business by a long way”. That was before we WON!!
4. Get over-excited about the economy, be sure to talk up all the trade deals that we’re going to do and how it will be like having the British Empire all over again, but better because they’ll be no foreigners. Pretend that reading the Daily Mail, Daily Express and The Telegraph, makes you an expert on the currency market and global economics. Ignore data and facts showing the economy is going into recession and blame everything on Remainers for “talking the country down.”
5. Attack the very idea of democracy. Make sure people realise that an advisory referendum is now carved in stone and no vote is ever needed again ever. From now, nobody can ever question anything again because we WON!! (Always write WON!! in capitals with exclamation marks to emphasis we WON!!) because it’s only a good thing when it goes the way we want it to. Elitist “experts”, stupid intellectuals, business leaders and lovey dovey metropolitan types don’t know what’s good for them, but Daily Mail, Daily Express and Telegraph readers most definitely do.
6. Share memes bashing Remainers, ignoring the unwelcome and uncomfortable realisation that since everyone has realised what an incredible shitstorm we’ve unleashed, all the sane people have had second thoughts.
7. Stomp and shout loudly to anyone who will listen that there will be “riots in the streets” if 26% of the population don’t get their way. Remind people you WON!! Ignore the fact that by far the biggest age groups to vote Leave were the over 50s and over 65s who aren’t renowned for violent protest.
8. Boldly claim that Scotland will never leave the UK, forgetting a.) they only voted to stay part of the UK to be in the EU b.) 62% voted to Remain. c.) Unless you’re Scottish, it’s none of your business.
9. Learn absolutely nothing from the campaign; celebrate the result as though everyone voted exactly like you. Constantly tell people how you WON!! and berate them when they suggest the reason Hitler so loved referendum because they make it so easy to manipulate the population with lies. There’s no way they could possibly backfire.
10. Celebrate the genius of Boris Johnson while really hoping he isn’t actually a secret Remainer who only pretended to want Brexit to become Prime Minister.
11. When you hear Brexit has been moved again, grab your Union Jack teddy bear, curl up in a ball and cry yourself to sleep while listening to “Rule Britannia”.